********Spoiler Alert*******
if you love penguins, turn back now before it's too late...
I loooooooove penguins. What’s not to love? There is something uniquely charming about these wondrous, waddling creatures - whether it’s the reality of March of the Penguins or the animated world of Happy Feet. I used to have a poster up in my office of a dishevelled penguin with the notation “Fuck it, I’m going home”. Even he had his charms (my boss did not share that opinion).
However, I’ve come across some penguin
information that is nothing short of devastating. Research notes for a 1915 publication by Dr.
George Levick have been discovered in the London Natural History Museum, including
notations that describe my lovable penguins as depraved hooligans. Say it isn’t so, George!
He goes on to describe thousands of
“hooligan” male penguins copulating with each other or dead females,
gang-raping injured females and molesting young chicks. What the fk Happy Feet?? Traumatized by his observations, the good
doctor stamped his notes on the sexual habits of the penguins as “Not for
publication” and cut them from his final book.
It was after all 1915, the public was not ready for these
revelations.
In a short and frenzied breeding season
that lasts only days, frantic single males mate with anything that looks
vaguely like a female assuming the position – be it a dead penguin or a rock .
Yes, sometimes even a rock becomes the recipient of some loving. Apparently the sex of the target – dead or
alive (cue Bon Jovi) - is a bit of a crap shoot, male and female penguins are
hard to tell apart, even for penguins.
It’s not like the males are in the traditional tux and tails and the
females in formal gowns, maybe I’ll give them a pass on that one, who am I to
judge?
As for the whole necrophilia thing – given
their environment, the bodies of deceased penguins are preserved in good
condition, several years passing before they lose their “fresh
appearance”. The assumption is that they
are not attracted to the dead but rather the position. “A dead penguin lying with its eyes half open
is very similar in appearance to a compliant female”. Nothing like that come hither frozen death
stare. The bar is set pretty low for
this amorous pursuit. There’s clearly not
a lot of sexual response expected from the female of the species, her participation
would be the same if she was living or several years deceased. Not bad enough to die and have your corpse
lay on the frozen landscape for years, your carcass is then at the mercy of a
bunch of sex crazed males humping everything in sight in perpetuity. Men of the world, pay attention, for all your
complaining about partners who aren’t very responsive in bed, it could be
worse, you could be a penguin. If your
partner has a pulse, advantage you. If
she’s conscious, bonus. Maybe penguins
were the inspiration for the term “dead fuck”.
As for the chicks, the males are given the
benefit of the doubt on this one – they may simply be collateral damage in the
sexual frenzy. Maybe that’s easier than
adding pedophile to their list of deviant behaviors. In their blind lust to fornicate the crap out
of everything in sight, molesting the chicks is merely a faux pas. What a bunch of assholes.
This information lay dormant in the museum
archives for a century, Dr. Levick having opted to protect Edwardian British
society at the time from penguin depravity.
My penguin illusions have been shattered. I can’t unring this bell. Visions of Happy Feet now tainted with the
imagery of packs of marauding testosterone driven male penguins, blinded by the
drive to mate, mounting all things mountable.
I’m crushed. Hey, Morgan Freeman,
narrate the creep factor out of this penguin story line.
Maybe what happens in the Antarctic should
stay in the Antarctic.
~ the nasty wench ~
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